Push Back

In her debut book, popular therapist, Psychology Today blogger, and go-to relationship expert Tonya Lester offers a master class on how to be effectively assertive for anyone whose aversion to conflict has led to struggles at home, at work, or in relationships.

Tonya Lester has a bold piece of advice for every conflict-averse person in the world: It’s OK to be difficult. Not mean, not rigid, not a bully—but the kind of difficult that makes the people in your life see you and understand what you need. Too often, women are encouraged to be nurturers and peacemakers, which carries the implied message that they should also not rock the boat. But rocking the boat—or being assertive—is often exactly what women must do to have the life they want.

In Push Back, the Psychology Today blogger and Modern Love contributor explains how to be difficult in a way that is both clear and productive. All too often, Lester has seen her clients talk themselves out of being angry when anger was justified; tell half-lies or back off to avoid difficult conversations; absorb disappointment and resentment to let someone else have their way; and take on more than their fair share of work in a relationship to keep the peace. And they do so because most relationship advice ignores the very real problems of uncooperative and avoidant partners, systemic sexism, and pressures to compromise, be conciliatory, and aim for harmony. To push back on these pressures, Lester offers guidance that can help create a world that works better for everyone, starting with the women themselves.

In this accessible and uplifting guide, through exercises, case studies, and real-life examples from public figures, people pleasers learn to set boundaries in all kinds of relationships, express their needs and engage in productive conflict, and deal calmly with any backlash that might come from spouses, coworkers, bosses, in-laws, siblings, and children. Designed to challenge the sea of advice telling women they should smooth out interpersonal struggles, Push Back boldly advocates for the opposite: more (healthy) conflict, more clear limits, more rocking the boat.